Facing adult anger (Wall Street Journal)

Melissa Hoistion was enjoying dinner with her husband and three children at a restaurant in francs, N.J., recently - until the boy vanished for 20 minutes.

Her husband, Tim, began to murmur. Ms. Hoistion braced herself. "Uh-oh, here it comes," she remembers thinking.

"EXCUSE ME!" he shouted in the whole of the room for another boy, then stormed off the coast of complaining to the Manager. When the origin server finally return to the table, her husband had shouted, "where the hell minutes it since the last 45?" and continued of berating him until the man walked farther.

"Links" columnist Elizabeth Bernstein discusses the trial-and-true ways to care for family members who have anger management problems.

Set people at other tables. Ms. Hoistion, a representative old PR 35 years for drug and alcohol treatment center has developed its head down and a helping hand to his eyes. In the car on the way back, she told her husband, "you know I hate it when do you." It ruins the dinner. »

With the period holiday in full, are therefore a crisis in anger in stores, restaurants, and airports and little nearly anywhere else, really. People are exhausted, stressed and concerned about the money. Many have good adaptation to begin with, at any time of the year.

However, as anyone who has always loved someone with an instant temperament can tell you much more a meal can be ruined when an adult has an angry in public. Joe James, a psychologist in Bethesda, Maryland, 50 years, the knows only too well. He remembers how years earlier, when he was in school, it would snap to teachers, other drivers on the road, parents and friends of members. He was fired for a job as a computer repairer to shout subordinates for 15 minutes straight. Long term girlfriend said she was tired of walking on the shells of eggs and the left, after shouted his a too large number of times. His dog is afraid of him: one day, Mr. James was laughing loudly while talking on the phone, and the dog hiding under the bed. "I do not pleasant to live with someone," he explains.

Ms. Hoistion said she is accustomed her face husband loudly servers, noisy store or people managers in extremely embarrassing theatres, and she told him whenever he does. Yet he brushes off the coast of its concerns, says and insists that the behavior is justified. Thus, after one of its explosion, often argue, she says.

"I want to not sound like a jerk, but if I pay for the service, I expect good service", says Mr. Hoistion, 43, a Manager for cleaning-supplies company customer service. "And sometimes cry is not less than they deserve." He admitted that his voice will become "really, really hard, as the Green Giant Jolly giving you hell," when he gets mad.

To be clear, I am not violence here. Experts agree that leave you a relationship with a person physically or verbally abuse you. What I'm talking about are a public crisis – the anger of a boy - that some people directly to those unlucky enough to be in the vicinity lines.

People are angry for a variety of reasons, of course. Many are so has pointed out that any incident slightly shocking in their day defines the.

"Anger is a protective response to a perceived wrong, says Mr. James, who has taught himself to control his temperament and became an anger management professional expertise." "" If you're overwhelmed and something comes out of the next day, you will feel like a threat. »

Many people may be in denial about how crazy they get. When we get angry, the emotional brain Centre has a much greater than the part which governs the conscious thought influence. And some experts believe that the anger we become less aware we are the same.

How to keep a loved one angry ruining your relationship? Here are some tips from the experts.

Don't be not silent. It allows to ignore the bad behavior. And withdrawal makes angry person feel judged, said Joe James, psychologist and specialist in anger management.Validate feelings, not the behaviour. "Telling"Honey, I understand that you are really angry,"", says coach Karen McMahon, divorce and separation of Oceanside, New York ' you do not validate their response; you validate their feelings. And it is the fastest way to disarm them. "Explain later why behavior upsets you. Are you embarrassed? Irritated that out evening was ruined? Frustrated that the situation has caused delays? Say "I love you, but it is difficult for me to be favourable to you when you handle a situation like that."Question open to all. What the person feels about his behaviour? It is under stress? Try to understand what was going on.Edit your own behavior. Stop confirming your end of the relationship - refuse to Cook, say - until such time as the judgments of bad behavior. "As soon as one person starts to change, the dance has change," says Ms. McMahon. "Change happens always when you edit yourself, not the other person."

Then what to do when someone is fusion? Psychologists agree on the importance of remaining quiet when the other person explodes. This is not your anger. Do not withdraw completely, but restrict what you saying to validate the feelings of the person - you understand why it is angry - not bad behavior.

"It is unlikely that you have a constructive conversation when someone lies in the red zone," explains Susan Orenstein, psychologist Cary, N.C., who specializes in the management of anger. "But I think it is important to say something like:" I can't hear really you when you are launching things. " But I would be happy to listen to when you calm down. » "

After everyone has chastened, calmly explain why shocked you collapse. Ask your dear how anger made him feel and what could really sparked anger.

The person is worried about work, money, children? Try to ask open-ended questions, so you can really sense of what was going on.

At a given time, you may want to suggest professional help. You can indicate your dear you are concerned and that the behavior affects the relationship. You can suggest that you go to therapy. Even though will your dear go not, you can go alone.

In the meantime, you need to set the limits. Stop you to potentially explosive situations. Exit at dinner or travel with someone else. Single boutique. Drive your own car.

Consider an ultimatum - but only if say you.

"People always say they want to change," says Dr. James. "But that the cost of doing business the old way is more painful than the price evolution whatever, people are very reluctant to do so."

-Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Bonds@wsj.com or follow its www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ column.